Understanding fear.

dealing with fear

Do you wonder what to do about your fear?

Do you allow yourself to feel fear or do you bundle it away? You and your fears are in relationship with each other and this is a relationship that can benefit from being tended.

I was taught to stay safe and to be wary and be sensible. I was taught to follow rules and trust that they would help to keep me safe.

On a train journey I would have my ticket ready and check that it was ready. On the station platform I would be sure to stand behind the yellow line in case a train would pass and wonder at the daredevil of people who would saunter on the track side.

I couldn’t understand that there were kids who would cross the track for a game or push a friend out into the road to see if they could cross before getting run over.

I wish the yellow line rule really had the power and influence to create ultimate safety, but unfortunately it can’t.

Fear is part of being human. It’s the fight or flight part of the brain that keeps us safe and because of this there is no way that we can ever fully escape fear. So as we cannot escape it we can perhaps learn to live in a respectful relationship with it. Here’s one way to begin to do that which is based on the dream analysis method taught by Dr Martha Beck in coach training.

Analyse your fear

This exercise below is only advised for people who are mentally well and resilient. If that is not where you are right now, please make sure you are getting the help that you need and leave the exercise below as the places it takes you might be too hard to get out of on your own.

What do you fear?

dark nights, scary news on T.V., lost loved ones, rejection, making the wrong decision, making the right decision, anger, betrayal, poverty, physical harm, death.

How does fear feel in your body? When you think of all the things that you fear, where do you feel them?

Trace it, watch the emotion move and change. Feel if it is light or heavy. Feel its colour and its texture.

If your fear was a person, a place, an animal or a thing what would it be?

Take three deep breaths in and out.

Imagine that you can become the person, place, animal or thing that your fear is.

Say that you are that thing in the first person:

‘I am the jaguar.’

Then describe yourself in three adjectives:

‘I am the jaguar and I am dark, cloudy and ever present.’ (Don’t worry about the adjectives making sense. In fact it’s a good sign if they don’t as that means what you are saying is coming more from your subconscious.)

Now ask the thing that is your fear:

Jaguar (or whatever your fear is) how are you here to help (insert your name here)?

What do you need to tell (your name)?

Why are you spending time with (your name) at the moment?

What does (you name here) need to do to move past this fear?

Jaguar (or whatever your fear is) how are you keeping (your name here) safe?

What does (your name here) need to know now?

As you begin to question your fear you come into relationship with your emotion and from there you no longer are hiding from parts of yourself. Hiding from parts of yourself takes a lot of energy and ultimately it doesn’t work.

Dealing with fear is not a fun thing to do, but it can be cathartic and stop your shoulders from living up by your ears somewhere.

If you are a coach building a practice, it’s likely that you will have some fear around your ability as a coach or your ability to build a practice.

Fears like these are really normal and really are part of building something that is meaningful. In fact, I think that creating anything meaningful means that you have to step into the unknown and stepping into the unknown causes fears to rise up.

Acting despite fear.

So what can you do other than beginning a relationship with your fear? How can you actually get things done?

If something is to great a thing for you to contemplate doing break it down into smaller pieces or chunks.

Watch if your resistance comes up and if it does the step is still too great. Break it down even further if you have to.

Ask for help if you need to. If asking for help makes you fearful then that step also needs to be broken down into the tiniest parts you can contemplate.

When you have been in relationship to your fear and you have thoughtfully designed steps that you can take to help to move you forward, what then?

Next steps.

Set your intention about what your next step is.

Then appreciation and gratitude will help you to lift your spirits and to find your way out from your valley of fear. The valley of fear does not ever disappear but you don’t need to live in it.

Get to know the terrain of it and then when you are lost there you will better be able to know that’s where you are and be able to take the steps to realise the reality of where you are and then get back on the track of self-belief and inner security.

Inner security is believing that you and safe, your family is safe and that begins with believing that your soul, your essential spirit is safe.

Kyle Gray writes about this beautifully in his new book ‘Raise Your Vibration.’ He says ‘my soul is the true and real aspect of me and it can never be broken, tarnished or damaged. My soul is healed and whole.’

How do you deal with fear and how do you feel safe within yourself?